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Thirty thirty.

Hey, guys! I’M THIRTY!  And I like it so much more than I ever expected that I would.  Turns out I feel like I’m just in a really good place for thirty and also my HUSBAND threw me an amazing surprise party with all of my favorite people in it AND I had an excuse to wear red lipstick and if all of those things don’t make thirty an amazing number, I don’t know what does.

Unfortunately one of my first forays into the world of POP OF COLOR resulted in enthusiastic reapplying even after 2 VERY serious melon martinis and thus, well, WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THESE SCARS?

I find it incredibly shocking that Keenan was able to surprise me, considering I’m a bit controlling Type A ok, fine, controlling and thus basically began saying things like “BOY I can’t wait to celebrate my 30th birthday in a BIG WAY” about one year ago.  My sister kept telling me you aren’t allowed to plan your own surprise party so I just did my best to stop asking questions/demanding answers and lo and behold, he surprised me.

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What did not surprise me was the fact that my cousins absolutely could not keep it together in the presence of an open bar and thus my party rapidly deteriorated from a normal, civilized celebration for an adult into a drunken cousin party being performed in public, complete with games and singing and somehow, the ritual smashing & burning of decorative gourds.

Surprise.

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You know what DID surprise me in the days before and after my birthday?  I’m glad you asked. 37 days before my birthday my hairstylist told me we need to consider using permanent color on the hair framing my face because my grays have now become dye resistant.

You know what is NOT die resistant? MY SOUL.

Also shocking is that we have 3 extremely important audits in a 4 week span at work, and guess who’s in charge of them? If you guessed LITERALLY ANYONE BUT ME, you’re not paying attention.

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This is my peace offering to the therapist, and my pathetic attempt to avoid indulging in said peace offering.

Now, the next thing that happened I was NOT shocked by in the least, because I’ve always known that, deep inside, VERY DEEP, is a Martha Stewart protege just waiting to be unleashed.  I’ve just sensed it.  You know how twins feel pain when the other gets hurt, or a dog can just FEEL when their owner is in danger? That’s kind of what it’s like with me when I get near a glue gun.  We’re just CONNECTED.

So on the Friday before my birthday, I took the day off and because I am a LOVING and DEVOTED WIFE (and because I had SO MUCH STUFF IN MY CAR AND JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT, because I had been buying things for this office for about a week in secret), I chose to spend the day before my birthday completely selflessly revamping the second bedroom, aka my dressing room, aka the place where I plop everything I don’t feel like putting away.

I had the foresight to take before and after photos, because even though I’ve been the worst blog slacker there ever was, I just knew that this would be blog-worthy, and that you would care about it oh so much, because my banalities of my day are jus- zzzzzzzzzz

I know. But bear with me. This office is AWESOME.

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Before (obviously – I would never)

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How Keenan did not notice this, I will never know.

The process wasn’t as challenging as I might have expected but it certainly wasn’t easy and besides almost falling down the steps I had to use a hammer and TWO different kinds of screwdrivers and I just kept wishing someone had been there to see me because I really knew my way around that tool kit (especially the bandaid box).

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I only started bleeding once…

photo 4 (3)…when I jabbed a VERY THICK staple directly into the tip of my finger and then literally could not get it out. I would never survive torture, that is absolutely obvious.  Point-two seconds after the staple DECIMATED my fingertip, I was willing to tell that staple and anyone who could get it off of me anything they wanted to know.  I instantly pictured having to go to the hospital and potentially losing my finger, and then I thought about how guilty Keenan would feel when he learned that I had lost a digit because I was doing a nice thing for him, and then I imagined how sad it would be to only have 9 fingernails to paint, and that’s when I realized that the desk was put together and I only had two parts left over!!

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Oh, and then this screw fell out and I couldn’t get it back in. NBD.

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I really love remodeling. I should totally work for the channel with all the home makeovers! Or Target should pay me to advertise their awesome Threshold furniture. Or, whatever, I should just keep on decorating my own house and surprising Keenan with it because that worked for our front steps and also the entryway and also our bedroom and also the kitchen and also the living room. Basically I only left the bathroom alone.  So it looks like he’s not the only person capable of surprising people, hmmm??

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Keenan on his first day of school.

Aaaand the last surprise. I’m getting so good at suspense, aren’t I? For those of you into foreshadowing, just remember this blog post, because one day when I’m on Jimmy Fallon, after Justin Timberlake, natch, I will reference this post and when it all began.

First of all, obviously we already know that Kate is pregnant again. And yet did you know that I was featured in the Huffington Post article discussing said pregnancy?  Yep, that’s me. Right there with Ronan Farrow and Piers Morgan. And Professor Snape who, as we all know, is the real celebrity in this bunch. I didn’t even know I was competing for a spot on this website (had I known, I would have tweeted 876 comments in 2 hours, a la Bachelor(ette) Mondays) but hey, I’ll take fame wherever I can get it, especially if I get it in an article that you just KNOW Kate read while having high tea. You just know.

And finally, last but not least, it’s the big one. Last year, Keenan & I debated our Halloween costumes for weeks before finally at the VERY LAST MINUTE (or, in DiWilliams lingo, right on time) decided to be Russel the Wilderness Explorer and Mr. Frederickson from the dazzling and devastating Pixar movie Up!  We really felt we did a great job and got quite a few likes on Instagram and then that was that.

This year, Keenan wanted us to just be Sandy & Danny from Grease (predictable) and I was going to give that one to him because last year we did so great. And then, in a twist of fate, this happened.

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FAMOUS!  The internet is SO FUN because anyone, literally anyone, can be famous for any reason, no matter how ridiculous and minute, for one moment in time. And this moment is mine! Ahem, I mean ours. And now we get to pick a better Halloween costume, because look at all we have to live up to now! I win Everybody wins!

Welp, that’s all for today. I have to go research another knockout Halloween couples costume and then go reupholster some chairs and make sure this banana bread isn’t burning.

Celebrities, they’re just like us.

Gone Girl.

You guys! I’m back! I MISSED YOU!!

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I don’t even know where to begin. So much has happened! I got married! Kate Middleton is having another royal baby! I started using eyebrow pencil!

It’s hard to say what has been the most exciting part of this year, but as you can imagine and likely already expect, I am obviously going to use all of these things as an excuse for not blogging for, oh, I don’t know, NINE MONTHS.

Now, I obviously don’t expect an overwhelming amount of understanding about my literary neglect. Poor Kate is suffering from the kind of morning sickness that results in hospitalization and probably graceful lovely fainting spells where she just ever so gently drapes herself onto an exquisitely upholstered chaise lounge, keeping her legs crossed at the ankles and her hair looking bouncy as ever, and yet there are still magazines splashing her face on them with headlines like “SICK, OR JUST LAZY???”

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Honestly. So I don’t expect any better treatment than THAT. I presume my name will be on a marquee this weekend with insults in lights, proclaiming for the world to see: “BLOGGER??? Or someone who just THINKS about blogging a lot?” or something like that. Probably something more eloquent. I’m a little rusty.

I have SO MUCH to talk about that I don’t even know where to begin. I obviously want to talk about my wedding, MY WEDDING!, which was so amazingly perfect and fantastic and also had lots of little disasters that happened throughout the day, which I guess God did so that when I told people about my PERFECT WEDDING I didn’t make them hate me and now I get to sprinkle funny little messy anecdotes about my cake and my flowers as opposed to making everyone sick with all the talk of perfection. THAT was a long sentence. But that’s what talking about my wedding does to me. That’s why we can’t talk about that today.

And I had a honeymoon! And I live with Keenan now! (Obviously, because he’s my husband. My HUSBAND!) And I make dinner a lot! And we watch Game of Thrones! And my EXTREMELY SURPRISE wedding shower was ridiculously amazing! There is just so much to say, and I need to organize my thoughts or you won’t want to read it all. Suffice it to say, I’m back, I’m ready to catch you up on everything, and I know where I’m going to start. EYEBROW PENCIL!

So I started using eyebrow pencil, and I don’t want to be dramatic or anything, but IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. I will get you a before and after shot, if need be, so you can bask in the difference along with me and agree that it has in fact altered everything. As if you needed more proof of the life-changing effects of a good eyebrow pencil, the first time I ever used it was the night of my rehearsal dinner, and then there was a double rainbow IN THE SKY FOR OUR LOVE. Coincidence? I think not.

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This really happened.

The other thing is that I now live with a boy. It’s so funny! I feel like we’re on a TV show and he’s playing the boy character and I’m playing the girl character, and we have to, like, play up those roles every once in a while because otherwise it would just be a show about two people who really enjoy each other’s company and nothing annoying ever happens, and that’s not a show.

So I have to leave 2 thousand bobby pins all over the place and Keenan has to ask questions like “what is this brownish stuff all over the bathroom towels?” (bronzer. Duh. #italianprobs) and I have to tell him to stop squeezing the toothpaste from the center of the tube (actually, I haven’t told him this yet. I’ve just been suffering it in silence. I’m such a good wife! But…hopefully he’s reading this).

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Looking natural is important to me.

So we do that stuff sometimes just to keep it funny for our studio audience but really mostly we just hang out and have a fun time and cook together and watch tv and then once in a while Keenan comes home and I’ve redecorated another portion of the house.

We haven’t bought a house yet so we are living in a duplex and I have taken it upon myself to totally revamp everything except for Keenan’s college basketball jerseys which are still hanging on the wall (baby steps). I had these visions of myself painting different colors of paint swatches on the walls and rearranging all of the furniture 14 times and Keenan and I putting dabs of paint on each other’s noses but it turns out that’s only how you redecorate in movies. In real life I just go to Homegoods and then when Keenan gets home he’s like, “Sure, ok, that can go there” and then we have lunch. It’s not as much of a montage as I was expecting but it’s super fun.

At first it kind of felt like I was being held hostage at a friend’s sleepover party and it was, like, really awesome but also kind of like soooo when do I get to go home? And Keenan was like, uh, never. This is where you live now. But now I’m used to it and all of my stuff is there and I have an ENTIRE BEDROOM that is basically my staging area (aka the place where I hoard all of my clothing that doesn’t fit in my closet, but that does not sound nearly as fancy) and so poor Keenan has one closet and I have an entire closet AND a whole room all to myself, but he seems ok with it. I let him squeeze the toothpaste from wherever he wants to, after all.

So that’s my life right now! I promise I’ll write about what’s been happening since February and all the celebrity stuff we missed talking about and how (SPOILER ALERT) Kate Middleton’s personal secretary wrote me a LETTER FOR MY WEDDING SHOWER because I know you’re dying to hear about all of it. But for now, I leave you with this:

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You didn’t think I’d forget that it’s Mean Girls Day, did you?!

Ice, snow, and no meltdown in sight.

Hello, friends and also people I’ve never met who will hopefully pre-order my book, maybe even before I’ve even written it? No? Ok, moving on.

This has not been the most proud week of my life. Then, in other ways, it has been absolutely one of the most impressive weeks I have ever lived.

For example, it has been snowing for approximately 86 days and all I’ve felt like doing is giving up and hibernating this winter away but instead of just wearing yoga pants to work and eating 17 Cadbury cream eggs in rapid succession like my body wants me to do, instead I have done EXTREMELY adult things like wearing snow boots to work but bringing heels in to change in my office, and wearing accessories even when the metal in the bracelet or necklace makes my skin really cold in the morning.

Those are the good things.

Then, at 4:52PM one day I looked down and realized I was wearing two different pairs of shoes. Am I in a rom com?

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ALSO, today in the office I was nodding emphatically while someone was talking and I was acting like I was researching what they were saying online but really I was looking at bathing suits and I don’t think they ever would have noticed until I exclaimed “Why would Victoria’s Secret be blocked but GAP never is!?” and Brittney blinked and reminded me, “They’re half naked,” which is a good point but also ridiculous because I just wanted to do a little light pre-honeymoon beachwear browsing.

Aaaaand, this is a selfie I took in a meeting because my cousins were all sending our cousin Annette birthday selfies and I was stuck in said meeting, so, well, problem solved.

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Ah, adulthood. Just exactly as scary as everyone said it would be.

However. If i’m being honest (and if this blog has taught you one thing, it at least should have taught you that I am always, at best, painfully honest. Although I sincerely hope it’s taught you more than one thing. I hope it’s taught you about the best celebrity baby names ever chosen, and how to plan a wedding in just 8 small meltdowns, and how to build a beautiful home out of glitter and recycled mason jars, and how to swear to God and yourself and everyone you know that you’d have a novel published by the age of 19 because if SE Hinton can do it, you can too, but then one day you’re 29 and you have a blog and it’s really fun and has a lot of followers and some are even from Italy and Africa and the UK (which you just know is Kate, obv) but again, let’s be honest, no one’s paying you to be funny on the internet) – anyway…I went a bit off the map with that one… let’s start again.

If I’m being honest the last 3 things I googled were “celebrities without makeup,” “Lorde boyfriend,” and “american horror story cast list” so no, I’m absolutely not turning into too much of a grown up, so you can stop panicking now.

it is embarrassing how often I google celebrities without makeup. Well, embarrassing for them. Not for me. I always have makeup on.

Cue anecdote about an email thread about wedding makeup in which I was the one and only person to request and then sign up for airbrush makeup for my friend Amy’s wedding. Basically here’s how the conversation went:

Amy: Who wants makeup?
Me: Ooh, I’ll take airbrush makeup!
6 girls: What is airbrush makeup?
Abby: I learned about airbrush makeup from the Kardashians. None for me, thanks.
Other girls: None for us, thanks. Ha! Those Kardashians!
Me: Not too proud to spray paint my face a healthy shade of tan. Sign me up!

You guys, I know that sounds bad, but have you ever seen pictures of someone who’s had really good airbrush makeup done? They look like pore-less, flawless androids and I find nothing more attractive than a girl who looks like she’s from an Adobe Photoshop ad. The good kind. Not the kind that ends up in an article on Cracked.com.

So! That’s my week in complete and total self absorption, which I just realized is exactly what I sound like. I should clarify that I am absolutely a nice person and some the more positive things I contributed to humanity this week include getting someone into rehab (this was at work, mind you), calling every single client at the outpatient to apologize for the loss of power we had for 3 days, giving a client my banana because he said he hadn’t eaten all day and was waiting for a van to inpatient, let 2 people use my hand sanitizer even though that means 2 people’s hands were very dirty when they touched it, ordered Keenan’s fabulous Valentine’s gift(s), and did all my laundry on Monday.

That last one was for me.

So that’s it! Everyone have a fantastic weekend filled with yet another unwanted snowstorm and prepare yourselves to endure one entire week of hearts and chocolate and love and red sweaters at work.

Jk, chocolate’s awesome.

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Jk again, love’s awesome too :)

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Not very Pinteresting.

Hello, everyone! I know one of my new years resolutions was to write at least once a week, but hey,  my other resolutions were to go to the gym every day, clean out my car, and remember to do my returns from Christmas, so I guess you can say I’m right on target with the not writing since I haven’t done any of that stuff either.

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Instead, I’ve been obsessively organizing my Pinterest board.  It’s one of my superpowers to be able to take a fun, carefree online website and turn it into another reason to wake up in the middle of the night sweating because I know that I accidentally pinned a dessert recipe to my wedding board and I have 3.7k pins that I’ve “liked” instead of putting them into the proper board, so yes, to answer your question, I’m just as insane as I was last year.

 

If I got paid to do Pinterest projects I’d still be incredibly broke, because although I am diligent about pinning things, I very rarely actually put them into practice.  On Friday night, I decided to change that by making Keenan & Sean an amazing carb-free dinner of zucchini crust BBQ chipotle pizza.  Sounds amazing, right?  I KNOW.

 

I would love to show you the photos of the process and the finished product, but I got my iPhone 2 entire months ago so naturally there is no space left for photos and so I wasn’t able to document the kitchen mastery I exhibited.  However, I can describe it for you in just a few words, because that’s a skill that chefs slash writers like me have: it was not a pizza after all.  It was a big, sloppy mess that Keenan very kindly described as “kind of like a western omelette.”  He and Sean ate the entire thing, because they are so nice, and because they were so starving.

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This is what I was going for.

The recipe told me to combine mozzarella, egg, parmesan, and shredded zucchini to make the pizza crust.  I was supposed to put it on parchment paper and then voila! Green pizza for everybody.  However we didn’t have a food processor, we had that Magic Bullet thing, and we didn’t have parchment paper, we had tin foil.  So the zucchini was less shredded than liquefied, and the tin foil quickly adhered to the cheesy zucchini soup, and this resulted in Sean trying very hard to avoid getting the tin foil in his fillings because apparently that electrocutes your head or something.

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I am going to be the best wife.

 

 

Speaking of which, the other thing I’m doing is having stress dreams about wedding planning while simultaneously avoiding any and all wedding planning.  We have been engaged for 9 months (what?!) and I have absolutely hit a wall when it comes to talking about flowers, shoes, table numbers, and invitations. I never thought I would ever say that sentence.  But here we are.  And I have no shoes.

 

And that’s pretty much all I have to talk about today. What with the weather, I’ve been practically held captive in my home and so the chances of me having much going on are slim to none.  Other than the baby shower I went to today for my lovely friend Brynn, for which I accidentally bought a wedding shower card because I didn’t read it all the way through and then was forced to climb through the passenger side of my car because I chose to wear 3 inch heels in 2.5 inches of snow, I’ve been pretty boring.  One cool thing is that I joined a body bootcamp workout class on a whim when I saw it on Groupon, and once I came to my senses it turned out it was a nonrefundable purchase, so I’d recommend you coming back here to hear about that.  Nothing will be funnier than reading about my bootcamp experiences, unless of course you have the rare privilege of being the woman behind me in class.

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Also!  Just as all things come full circle, so will my blog: though I have nothing much to say right now, the Grammy’s are on this evening, and nothing says blog material like overpaid untalented famous people making spectacles of themselves on national TV.  Plus, Taylor Swift’s shoulder dancing.

See you there!

 

 

 

 

New year, new you. But I’m pretty much the same.

Happy new year, everybody! My new year’s resolution was to wait 9 days into the new year to write my new year’s post, and I don’t want to rub it in in case you’ve already eaten a few white chocolate covered Oreos or skipped a few nights on the treadmill (two things I certainly have not done myself), but I’m clearly keeping MY resolution.

You guys! It’s Kate Middleton’s birthday! It is so amazing that I even have time to sit here and write this entry when obviously I am fielding phone calls from Queen Lizzie about the décor (regal) and the color scheme (champagne, obv), and the drinks (champagne, obv), and making sure Kate & I don’t accidentally wear the same thing again (ugh, we just have all the same fascinators).

But these are the sacrifices I make for you guys. I take 20 minutes out of my day to write devastatingly poignant prose, and then I write a bunch of stuff that I think is funny about celebrities and I post that instead.

Kate’s birthday is one of the best things that have happened this year, and I know the year is only 9 days old, but I don’t think it’s too soon to say things like that. Other awesome things that have happened are Keenan & I meeting with a realtor, the new season of The Bachelor starting, Downton Abbey’s triumphant return, and that I have a hair appointment tonight. Ah, life! You are so great and only half of you actually takes place on television!

Keenan & I did meet with a realtor right after the new year and that was a super grown up and important thing for us to do. Of course I spent an hour in front of my closet (haha, jk, obviously my clothes are on the floor) trying to figure out what outfit would strike the right balance between “I am a serious businesswoman who will absolutely not be swayed by your attempt to make us spend way too much money” and “I will collapse in a delighted heap if you show me a shanty to live in as long as it has a fireplace and a mantle.” (Pinterest has gotten me way into mantles.) Preparing to meet with the realtor felt a lot like preparing to look for wedding venues. You want them to think, ok, these people have it together, but also think, yes, I can see why someone would want to live with her for the rest of her life. You want them to think these people look like grown-ups, but also not TOO old, and that we look reasonably able to afford a nice place to live but not TOO able to afford it or else they start showing you champagne fountains and $12,000 wedding dresses and then things just get out of hand. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I guess my point is that when I say I was “preparing to meet with a realtor” I mean Keenan was running the numbers and making lists of “wants” and “needs” (aka “needs” and “needs,” if you’re asking me) and I was trying to figure out which shade on the Naked Palette best expressed my desire for hardwood floors and a fancy little foyer.

Priorities.

On Sunday my Kohl’s cash was going to expire so I went there and spent a grueling 2 hours in the home section sweating over the decision between a comforter for a bed we do not have, a juicer for a kitchen we do not have (and for juice we will not make), and pillows to decorate a sofa we do not have. I was sweating and getting anxious and this just isn’t the way $70 in Kohl’s cash is supposed to make you feel. So finally I just went into the homegoods section and landed myself a pretty little ottoman that was originally $139.99 and then was on sale for $69.99 so I got it for FREE. I know it’s tacky to talk about money but this was free so it’s actually not like talking about money at all, and anyway, I love our new ottoman. It will fit nicely into the living room we do not have.

I hope everyone’s ushering in of 2014 was a delight. 2013 was an important year and I think it behooves all of us to remember the most influential things that happened during those 12 months. In no particular order, I remind you that last year Kate Middleton was fabulously pregnant, and Kim Kardashian less fabulously so. The word got out that Kate was in labor and we all watched a guarded hospital door for a few hours, and then finally HRH Prince George was born unto the world! Meanwhile, in America, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West though it would be funny to name their daughter North, and then hide her from the world in an attempt to be “private” aka to sell her photos to the highest bidder. Also, Miley Cyrus showed us what she’s made of (apparently just latex and a very long tongue), I got engaged (!), I survived my 11 year high school reunion, Mindy Kaling favorited one of my tweets, I was the victim of internet credit card theft, Carrie Underwood was a statue of Maria Von Trapp, I chose my wedding dress, Jessica Simpson was also pregnant
which I completely forgot about, Kate Middleton went grocery shopping, and I got an iPhone.

It was a big year.

This year, I expect will be equally fantastic. Rumor has it that Kate’s pregnant again, Keenan & I get married in 219 days (but who’s counting?), I’m already way into live tweeting the Bachelor and offering my unsolicited opinions on any and all girls on the show, Keenan & I are getting into the thick of house searching, I have several other fabulous weddings to attend this year (not least of all Pippa’s, which of course I’ll be attending despite the fact that she’s not marrying a royal. Alas, we can’t all be Queen), they’re making like 6 of the best books ever into movies this year, and hopefully North West gets her own Instagram account.

A girl can dream.

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Cheers, dahling.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Hello, all! Thank you for dragging yourself away from whatever end of the year Buzzfeed list you’re reading about the 2013 best things about 2013 or whatever other summaries of the previous 12 months they’ve seen fit to write about this December.

 

I’m not mocking. I love Buzzfeed. I love numbered lists. And I love the new year. So for those of you into foreshadowing, I suggest you remember this paragraph.

 

So much has happened lately!  I’m leasing my office for more days per week, Keenan got a fabulous new job, I found my bridesmaid dresses, my cousins have actually made it 8 weeks watching the same show every Wednesday, Kate Middleton wore a slinky white gown, I got 29 retweets on one tweet on Twitter, and I finally got the Urban Decay Naked Palette and yes, it’s all it’s cracked up to be.

 

#blessed

 

I know I promised to write more frequently but obviously I have broken that promise.  If you want to put that into perspective, allow me to remind you that Kate & Wills all but VOWED to have another royal baby announcement by Christmas and guess what, not a peep out of those two pips, so I guess we all just need to take a moment to understand how hard life is when you’re a royal and also when you’re a therapist, because Kate & I are both very busy.  She’s busy wearing lovely long winter coats at charity events and I’m busy looking for a replica of them in the juniors section of Target.  We all have our crosses to bear.

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As if all of this weren’t enough reason to not be able to blog, Carrie Underwood starred in a remake of the Sound of Music, and that took me at least 3 weeks to process, so obviously I couldn’t sit down long enough to focus on a blog topic.

enhanced-buzz-14324-1370443327-38 They spelled my name wrong.

Editor’s Note: this is not implying that now I am actually going to focus on one blog topic.  In fact, this is more like a dump of every single thing I’ve thought about ever in the past 5 weeks and now, dear, readers, you get to experience what it’s like in my head all the live long day.  Seriously, why can’t I just be normal and pretend that my thought patterns are linear and that I have everything together, the way it appears?  People meet me and they’re probably like, “Yeah, she seems ok, she has her nails done and she has a master’s degree and an above-average grasp of the English language” and then I’m like “MY CAR’S REGISTRATION WAS DUE IN SEPTEMBER” or “I’M ON BOOK NUMBER 48 IN A PERSONAL CHALLENGE TO READ 50 BOOKS THIS YEAR” and everyone’s like, oh, ok, she’s crazy.

 

I think I lost the track on that one.  Anyway.  Moving on.

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Let’s talk about Carrie as Maria, and a vampire as Captain Von Trapp, shall we?

First of all, let me just say:

Carrie Underwood.

Amazing legs? Check.

Flawless singing voice? Check.

Face like a stone when she starts acting? Also check.

And therein lies the problem.

 

You can’t sing heartfelt songs as a lovable ex-nun fleeing Nazis and your future husband’s love and look like a country singer in an unfortunate dress.  Do, a deer, a deer in headlights.  That’s what I keep thinking about.  It’s funny and it’s a good pun, but come on, lady.  And while we’re on the topic forgive me but did you forget the words sometimes?  There is no excuse for this. I know it’s more stressful when everyone’s watching but allow me to just say that when i watch the Sound of Music I get every word right on the money and my entire family is watching me perform that.  That’s commitment.  i haven’t even mentioned my flawless performance of Grease, and I won’t, because I like you and I like Jesus Take the Wheel.  Not to mention that I was an extra in not only a TV show on NBC but in Transformers 2 in which my left shoulder played a crucial role in the party in the frat house scene.  So I think i understand a little but about acting.

 

You can’t yodel your way out of this one, Underwood.

 

I know I mentioned some stuff up there about my wedding (which, by the way, is 8 months away!!) and then pretty much implied that I had a more visceral reaction to a live tv production of a musical, so don’t worry – I’ve got plenty of wedding stuff to fill you in on, if you’re interested.  If not, well, this is my blog and so I’m just going to keep talking about it but you can feel free to skip on down to a few paragraphs from now where I’ll be talking at length about the Knorth West eyebrow waxing scandal (working on my cliffhangers. Impressed?).

 

So yes, I found my bridesmaids dresses!  It was super simple, all I did was pick the color navy and decide on short dresses, and then switch to pink, and then switch to long, and then switch to champagne, and then get involved in an online Hong Kong dress scandal ring, and then search Pinterest for 28 weeks, and just when I thought the girls were just going to be wearing tablecloths with a piece of rope as a belt I finally found my one true love (other than Keenan, of course, and my own dress, so ok, my 3rd true love)!

It is a very strange thing to go shopping for dresses which you want to absolutely love but you don’t try them on, you boss other people around and make THEM try them on, and then you don’t buy them, you make OTHER people buy them, and finally you completely love them but will never get to wear them yourself.  This is super weird for me because my family is so terrible at individually being the person to take the lead and we are so desperate to make sure everyone’s happy that we will do pretty much anything to please everyone, which, as you might expect, leads to many enjoyable panic attacks and occasional nervous breakdowns, wheeeee!   So I finally choose my dresses and then I begin to obsessively ask every single person in my wedding how they feel about them and they all say they love it so I sign the contract at which time I begin to systematically doubt my decision and ruminate on it every moment of every day until I finally just delete the picture of it off my phone because I just. can’t. stop. looking for flaws.

 

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I’m having the best time!!!

 

Also I’ve done such a good job of keeping all of my wedding details to myself that now I’ve become completely neurotic about worrying that I’m telling people things I don’t want them to know, like my wedding is some kind of hugely anticipated live-for-tv remake of a beloved american musical (see what I did there?).  I am under no illusions that anyone cares if they’re “surprised” or not by the venue or the decor or the color scheme, all details that I have inexplicably dubbed “classified,” and it all started out with me not telling anyone what my wedding dress looks like and has branched out to the point that I don’t even know if anyone knows Keenan’s definitely the groom, maybe that’s just a red herring I tossed in to throw everybody off, now wouldn’t THAT be a big surprise?!

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I am doing really great.

 

So I promised that I would talk about Knorth West’s eyebrows, but honestly, what else is there to say?  The media says Kim is waxing her 5 month old baby’s eyebrows, and Kim says she’s not.  I think we all know who to believe here.

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And that news, my friends, is my Christmas gift to you.  You’re welcome.

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Facebook says you’re doing well: The new high school reunion.

I’m back! I know I promised I’d be more consistent with my posts but to be perfectly honest HRH Kate Middleton promised us another royal baby announcement by Christmas and here we are, 31 days from baby Jesus’ birthday, and nothing. Nothing. So forgive me if I’m not more consistent than the royal family. Forgive me.

As always, I have reasons. In no particular order, I have been:

1) still thinking about Kim Kardashian’s engagement and how she thinks she’s perfected the “I’m just fixing my hair, oh this old thing?” even though Kate started it and I copied.

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2) preparing for my 11 year high school reunion by being the most useless member of the reunion party planning committee

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3) seeing the midnight showing of Catching Fire with 3 other adults and 200 high school kids (don’t worry, we were first in line. Sorry, kids, age before people who didn’t read the books.)photo 4
4) decorating my office for Christmas so I feel less depressed while I’m there (it’s an experiment, and the control group is every day of the rest of my life)photo 3
5) staring at my new iPhone because after a year without one, a lot has changed and I absolutely need to read the entire internet before it’s too latephoto 1
6) choosing bridesmaids dresses! Wahoo!

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7) being audited at workphoto 2

8) Getting my tweet favorited by Mindy Kaling. Natch.

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So. I’ve been busy. But please don’t get jealous. Those other blogs mean nothing! I thought about you the whole time!

Obviously the reunion was the biggest thing that’s happened so far this month, though my new champagne iPhone which matches my wedding and yes that is the primary reason I picked it is a close second and we can talk about that later. I was flipping through my yearbook before the big reunion night and, as you may be aware, I graduated in the year when it was very important that everyone KEEP IN TOUCH and NEVER CHANGE and that we all loved each other like SISTERS or at least, you know, commented on each other’s pictures on Facebook once in a while. “Never change,” people kept writing to me. Well, never fear, classmates. I still have hair frizz issues, it still took me 45 minutes to pick an outfit, I still have the gorgeous skin of an adolescent, and I still don’t know what to do with my arms in pictures!

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Quick story about the adolescent skin thing: you must be thinking right now, “Oh, Sandi, you’re so self deprecating and funny and not at all serious. You look fine in your pictures!” Well, folks, I am sponsored by the Instagram filter that makes me look that way. Once I was in the mall and this man working at one of those carts who always see a sucker from a mile away calls me over. Of course I go, because in this story, *SPOILER ALERT*, I’m the sucker. He’s selling skin products, and this is his intro:

Him: Would you like to try my face lotion?
Me: No, I’m fine, thank you.
Him: Are you sure? How old are you?
Me: Why? How old do you think I am?
Him: 19.
Me: You’re my favorite person in the world right now. I’m 28.
Him: Yes, I think you are 19 because of the pimples.
Me: Oh. Is this, like, a sales technique?

So. There’s that.

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Cousins, before & after.

Anyway, the reunion. There was a good turnout, lots of jokes about teachers who didn’t show up (all of them), reminiscing about embarrassing things that happened in class, and everyone drinking together, legally, for the first time ever. But you know what? You’d think that Facebook would kind of make things easier, right? Like, you recognize everybody, and you kind of know what they’re up to, and maybe you liked a picture of their engagement ring or something so they know you still exist. But instead of making it more normal to talk to each other, it made things super awkward and more like meeting celebrities than seeing old friends. Like, “ooh, I know you from the internet!” and you’re thinking, how much do I know because you or someone else told me, and how much do I know because I stalked your Facebook so intensely that I ended up looking at pictures of your mother and her friends on a girls’ weekend in Atlantic City?

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I said to Keenan, “I guess I should have prepared some questions in case things get awkward.” “Stick with family and work,” he suggested. “I already know all that stuff!” I exclaimed. “What do I ask them?!” So I started out with compliments but slowly we all slid down the slippery slope and started commenting on people’s children who we’d never met and weddings that we hadn’t attended. “I hear your son is sleeping through the night now,” I said to a person who I last saw bonging a beer at a graduation party. “I see that your morning commute is a nightmare.” I don’t think anyone asked me a question all night; they just commented on what they’d already seen. We were like a room of creepy stalkers, and it was socially acceptable to admit it. A Creepy Stalker Convention.

And I’m on the committee.

 

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