Happy New Years’ Resolution: Are you hungry yet?

Taylor Swift played this year at New Years’ Rockin’ Eve with Somebody Other than Dick Clark, Unfortunately. 

(Do you know who else is involved in this New Years’ soiree?  That would be Ryan Seacrest, Jenny McCarthy, and Fergie.

No, thank you, I’ll pass.

Each one of you is more annoying than the next.)

I heard that on the radio, that she would be performing, and my first thought was, “I wonder what a new year is to someone like Taylor?”  I mean, she was successful last year and she was successful this year and she’ll be successful next year.

“I made my 54^th million in 2012 and I guess I’ll make my 55^th in 2013, and so on and so forth,” she must think.  Some new years’ resolution.

Though I do know how she feels, in a way.  I mean, Taylor has 4 platinum albums and millions of dollars and millions of fans and hundreds of tour dates.  I myself have pinned over 1,000 items on Pinterest that I plan to make use of in 2013, and so in that way, what is a new year, really, but a chance to brush up on your electronic hoarding and pin more things this year than you did last?

And I really, really promise I’m still not going to shop.  My date is still October 13 and I’m going strong and last night I had a nightmare that I spent money on clothes and then wanted to return them and accidentally ripped a tag off and I just freaked out so now I know I’m really dedicated.

That brings us to everyone’s favorite New Years’ promise: working out and eating right.  Do you know how you dedicated gym-goers  hate to see newbies in the gym in January?  Just taking up space, they’re never usually there, they don’t really know how it works.  Well, that’s how I feel when you write about it on Facebook.  You never say anything on Facebook and then all of a sudden all month you’re like “Gymmin’ it up…hope I can get space to do my obnoxious weight lifting noises…can’t wait til Feb when all these new years resolution people just quit.”  Thanks for all the positivity and encouragement, by the way.  Aren’t endorphins supposed to make you happy?  They’re not working.

I’ll tell you one thing right now, if I have to spend another January reading annoying, condescending Facebook statuses about how irritating the “January Gym People” are, how they take up the ellipticals and slow down the spinning classes, I’m going to lose it.  First of all, I am one of those people.  I can’t tell you how many January gym memberships I’ve initiated (yes, I can.  Three) and then improperly utilized (read: never, ever used).  I can’t explain to you how many times I’ve been hungry literally the minute the ball dropped, because I knew I couldn’t have anything delicious, ever again.  I can, however, tell you that the other day I found my sneakers that I wasn’t even looking for and wasn’t even aware were missing, and they were so smushed under a pile of clothes that it was obvious I hadn’t worn them in, oh, I don’t want to talk about it.

There’s a really sad statistic that says, like, 85% of people have broken their New Years Resolution by February or something like that.  So I propose that we all come up with more rational and more constructive promises that we can actually keep (not me, though.  I’m doing the gym-and-diet-thing.  I can’t wait to piss off some pretentious work-out queens.  Just kidding.  Totally made resolutions about using Chapstick more faithfully and not letting work give me migraines and then, yes, ok, eating healthier).

So I did you all a favor. I came up with some New Years Resolutions that some people I know can benefit from.  I think you’ll know yours when you see it.

• Try to fill the gas tank before the “miles to empty” says zero.
• Organize your Pinterest files.
  
• Throw out all the receipts in your purse.  They’re taking up valuable space that your 900 lip glosses need.
• Remember to X-out the date on your calendar on time.  Nothing like opening your planner and realizing you’re 4 days behind and that means you haven’t looked at any of your appointments for that long and whoops, you missed one again.
• Stop losing your phone charger.
• Check celebrity gossip websites with more regularity.  There are starlets getting pregnant out there, people, and you don’t even know about it.  Someone wore white open-toed shoes last week, in December, and you don’t even know who it is.  Are you sad?  Are you sorry?
• Try to keep your running shoes within, if not reach, as least your field of vision.  That way, it always looks like you just got back from a brisk jog.  People will tell you they see a difference, and then they’ll feel good, and you’ll feel good, and the shoes are available if you ever need to run to your car to grab your purse or something.

You’re welcome.

PS: There’s another resolution I think we should all be a part of: the 26 acts of kindness in honor of the victims of Sandy Hook in Newtown, CT.  Check it out on Twitter at #26actsofkindness to learn more.  It might make someone’s day.  And that’s a resolution we can keep all year