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All choked up.

Oh my gosh, time flies when you’re watching reality tv and stalking celebrities online and remodeling a house and working two jobs and binge watching Netflix and trying to see your family and friends and paying all your bills and trying to return your library books before they try to arrest you for excessive tardiness.

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I probably should have used the 32 inch blizzard of 2 weekends ago to stockpile a bunch of blogs that I could post when things got busy, but hey, I probably also should have blogged when I got my new job, or bought my new house, or when Kim and Kanye named their son Saint West. Priorities. I was planning to spend Blizzard Weekend painting my kitchen cabinets and installing my new bathroom hardware and staining my steps. Instead I made chicken soup and Bloody Marys and killed Keenan in poker (and then he inexplicably killed me in Scrabble – I don’t want to talk about it).

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The house is coming along. The floors are done except the two rooms that need carpeting, and the stairs should be done this weekend (#lifegoals). One of our new toilets is now in the floor rather than lying in my garage, and is fully functional, although we have to use it in the dark because we took the light fixture out of the bathroom and haven’t put it back in yet. What we have done, however, is learn to disassemble the pipes below the kitchen sink, because hello my name is Sandi and I have abused the privelige of my garbage disposal.

 
Last week I made these two gigantic and amazing artichokes in the oven. It’s a real commitment because it takes like 90 minutes to bake them, plus all the time it takes to actually eat them – God forbid you’re hungry because I’ll admit, it’s a lot of work for not a lot of nutritional payoff. Anyway, I’m in the kitchen hacking away at these things and jamming everything down the garbage disposal. Keenan has never had a garbage disposal, and so he doesn’t believe in them. He doesn’t know why we can’t just use the trash can. I want to know why he wants my kitchen to smell like the remnants of old vegetables. Were we raised in a barn? Discuss.

 

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So anyway, anticlimactically, all was fine with the garbage disposal even after I stuffed, like, a huge amount of vegetables down there. Then, what can only be described as EXTREMELY climactically, the following night things definitely backfired. I got home from work first and I was making something that involved onions, who even knows what it was. Keenan came home, I am weeping over this cutting board full of onions like a normal person, and he says he’s going to get in the shower. It is at that exact moment that I shove some onion skins down the disposal, hit the switch, and hear a horrific grinding sound. Worse, the sink inexplicably fills up with GREEN MURKY water. For one irrational second I think I’ve somehow managed to suck mud and grass up through the pipes and into my sink. Then I immediately realize that there are like 30 pounds of fibrous greens that just may be the culprit.

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Can a utensil in a sink drain electrocute you? No, wait, that’s a toaster. (I am well versed in the art of irrational fear of kitchen appliances. Do you know a mixer can rip your scalp off?). I turn off the switch and jab my giant butcher knife into the sink – nothing. I try to use my phone as a flashlight but the water is too murky to penetrate. Then I hear Keenan about to come down the steps, and I realize that he will definitely know I am the person responsible for this, because I am the only one who uses it, due to the aforementioned garbage disposal atheist he is.

 
Keenan is pretty calm. “I don’t know how this happened,” he says, “I know you haven’t been putting really big things down there, right?” Right, I say. Right. “I just have one question,” he says from under the sink, green juice gushing all over his arms, “did you know about this before I took a shower? Because I’m covered in vegetables.” I really didn’t, I tell him, and it’s true. That part is true.

 
Cut to 20 minutes later. I’m watching a YouTube video of how to unclog a pipe (the video literally tells us “do not put fibrous vegetables down the disposal, such as celery hearts and ARTICHOKES – would have been helpful in advance, YouTube), Keenan is under the sink with two buckets and an Allen wrench, and I am trying to figure out what the chances are that Keenan will not recognize a fully intact artichoke when he sees it.

 

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It was a learning experience! For him, anyway. He now knows how to completely take apart and put back together an entire sink. And I know to stop doing things that completely incriminate me. #Winning. Listen, I know this name is already taken – but I feel like we might have to call him Saint Keenan for a while.

 

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You can’t take it with you.

       Bet you can’t believe you’re hearing from me twice in one week, huh? I was reading over my old posts and realized that almost every single one toward when they started tapering off began with some variation of the phrase “I’m back!!” What the heck, I’m like one of those rappers who always says they’re making a comeback but then instead of actually coming back they just release one terrible song and then disappear for another 7 months. I don’t want to be that rapper! I want to be…one of the more consistently successful rappers currently…rapping. When I say I’m back, I want to be back. So maybe this is it. Who knows? In true therapist fashion, I talked to a few of my fellow counselor friends and specifically asked them to hold me accountable. “Tell me when I’m slacking off,” I begged. “Make me write at least every week!” That sounds good, but these are the same people I asked to help me be thin for my wedding, and who then peer pressured me into eating office birthday cake and free pizza during trainings. Therapists: not as together as you think we are.
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        I really want to talk to you guys about my new job (read: the job I got 10 months ago and never told you about), and Making a Murderer, and The Bachelor Season 20, and Saint West, but I also want to tell you about my DIY home remodel, and since that’s pretty much taking over my life at the moment, I’m going with that.  Although I’m still thinking a lot about Steven Avery he’s not at the exact forefront of my mind, so I’m going to show you the progress I’ve made in the entryway since that’s the only thing in the house that’s borderline appropriate for people to see. I wish I could have people over for dinner, but I don’t think they’d want to eat it standing by the front door on my 5×7 area rug, so oh well, maybe another time.
         After we bought the house, I had all these big dreams for my entryway. I was imagining, like, a bench with a huge mirror above it and a gallery wall and an umbrella stand and a long runner and a gorgeous chandelier… The list goes on. The first time I returned to the house after I purchased it, however, I realized that the proportions of the house had become somewhat distorted in my mind somewhere between the time that I first saw it and the time that we actually purchased it. So what had become a grand entryway in my mind was in fact just a place you walk in the house right before you go up the stairs. For size comparison, imagine something between the grand ballroom in Westminster Abby and really just a doorway. Somewhere in there. But much, much closer to the doorway side of this scale.
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 You know how people say “you can’t take it with you” when they’re talking about, like, not being cheap or not obsessing about making tons of money because you can’t take it with you when you die? Well, Keenan uses that phrase too, except he means it literally. As in, “When we eventually buy a new house, we cannot physically remove all of the hardware from the cabinets and the toilets from the bathrooms and the tiles from the floors and take them with us” and this this is why I’m not allowed to buy the “fancy” metal light switch covers. Because you can’t take it with you.
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        I didn’t buy all of this stuff for the entryway, which I feel like shows a lot of personal growth and self control and also the awareness that comes with knowing that it would be pretty hard to hide new stuff from Keenan if it was the first thing he saw he walked in the house. That table is actually from a thrift store. I bought it when we first got married because we needed somewhere to throw our keys and the mail, and then I got kind of attached, so here it is again. If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you might recognize the globe and the little succulent from Keenan’s office remodel that I did while we were living in the duplex. And if you were a guest at my wedding, you might recognize the pillar candle from the bar. Obviously I’m still using my DIY wedding stuff whenever and wherever I can. Stay tuned for the day that I turn my dress into a tasteful chandelier for the kitchen. Technically that would make it the third life of this dress, as life number 1 took place at my actual wedding and life number two features the dress’ current role, which is apparently an area rug in the basement because it’s been laying on the floor since December 10. (Oh, and the actual area rug is from Target).
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          The first thing we did in the house was get rid of the peach paint and replace it with a much nicer shade of neutral greige.  I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t want a wall color that screamed “1982 Jersey shore condominium” the minute you walked in the door. Just my personal taste. After purchasing approximately 12 teeny paint samples and painting squares all over the house, we went with Behr Mineral and now sometimes I find myself just gazing at my walls like we’re on a first date and I just know this relationship is going somewhere. Normal person translation: I’m happy with the color.
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       After that, I took to Pinterest and allowed the internet to peer pressure me into painting the inside of my front door a more daring and statement-like color. Cut to me telling Keenan I’m just going to paint one pane of the door this amazing color right between charcoal and chocolate just to see what it looks like, and then 25 minutes later he comes down and the entire door is just a shade off of black and my entire entryway is TRANSFORMED. I had to give Keenan a few minutes to absorb this major change but then, low and behold, he loved it, and I decided that was the perfect time to also break it to him that I had purchased myself a hot pink power drill and thus removed the doorknob and promptly trapped us in the house.
     I guesss it’s true what they say: Love is an open urbane bronze door.
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         The light fixture is pretty much my pride & joy. First of all, do you know how much light fixtures are?!  We had one of these guys, the Grandmother Classic, which was a big nope:
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So I went to IKEA, bought this awesome lampshade for, like, $24.99, took the glass circus tent off of the fixture, and then rigged the new shade with this extra long washer thing so it would be flush against the ceiling. We were able to use the existing lightbulb and fixture and at some point I need to paint it copper so it matches, but for now, pretty perfect (and “we can take that lampshade with us, so that’s good”)!
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can’t believe I’m telling you all my secrets. 
Here’s the other side from the view you see when coming in the door. In the first picture you get a glimpse of the very glamorous raw wood and plywood stairs that we’ve been walking on since we ripped up the rugs in November. I know, I know, it’s overwhelming when you see the way the other half lives.  In the second picture you get a better idea of the paint color, plus a shameless plug for the painted pallet signs that I sell,  because I’m nothing if not subtle.
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So that’s it! Sorry that I just completely bamboozled you into reading the subsection of my blog which will be completely and totally dedicated to obsessing over my house as it is (ever so slowly) transformed into an actual, livable home.  I’m not sure how far my DIY skills can take me, but I’m thinking my next before & after will look a little something like this:
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I’m not sure, though. Do you think we can take those fountains with us?
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New Year, Same Me.

          GUYS! I’m back!

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I honestly don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written a blog because I’m afraid to look. I already feel bad enough as it is. Not to toot my horn or anything, but sometimes I run into people I haven’t seen in a while and they literally ask me why I haven’t written a blog in so long. This has the simultaneous effect of making me feel both superior to all other bloggers and inferior to everyone on the planet because I have been SUCH a SLACKER.

The redeeming factor in all of this is that while I haven’t written in, oh, like fourteen months, I have been doing SO MANY OTHER productive things which is what has been taking up all of my time. I don’t know what your expectations are of what a person might do with 14 months of free time, but hopefully they consist of celebrity gossip, reality TV, furniture redo DIYs, and stalking people on instagram, or else you are about to be sorely disappointed.

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So, I could try to catch you up on the last 1 year of my life, or I could just tell you what I did this weekend.

Let’s just suffice it to say that the past year was my first year of marriage. We went on some vacations, went grocery shopping, got in arguments over trash bags and phone chargers and chicken, bought a house (!!), and watched a lot of crappy TV.

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Homeowners!

So, that about catches us up to this weekend. Recap forthcoming.

Things I was supposed to do this weekend:
– Monogram 2 cutting boards
– Clean out my car
– Private practice paperwork
– Get oil changed, tires filled, try to describe that squeaky sound so
they can fix it and stop making my neighbors hate me
– Laundry

Things I actually did this weekend:
– Edit my Bachelor bracket
– Happy hour with Sara & Col
– Repaint my bathroom cabinets
– Get stain all over my fingers while turning a TV stand into a
wine cabinet, which I still can’t get off
– Rearranged my mom’s instagram
– Spent $352 on bathroom hardware and didn’t tell my husband until just
now (Keenan: “How much did you spend?” Me: “I really can’t recall,” in my best Making a Murderer witness impression)
– Resolved to restart my blog

Celebrities, they’re just like us!

Was this a productive or nonproductive weekend? You decide. On one hand, the things in the first list were pretty much requirements for me to continue living my life as an adult. On the other hand, if I had to look at those orangey bathroom cabinets for one more second I was going to set them on fire. So, I think I have my priorities in order.

It may have been difficult to tell by my complete and utter neglect of this page, but I have really missed blogging. Every time something funny happened I would think up a sarcastic little phrase to describe it and then think to myself, oh, I would have blogged that. Then I’d just say the funny comment out loud and Keenan would give me this look that said, “I know this is just verbal blogging and I’m not going to encourage it because every 30 days you tell me how sad you are that you don’t blog anymore so just DO IT ALREADY.” (His looks are VERY expressive, obviously).

For example, somewhere around the 12th time I laid all 42 of my paint chips out all over the floor, took all of the lampshades off ALL of the lamps, and asked Keenan to look over the paint colors with me, it struck me that I was actually living inside of a “romantic comedy move-in montage” and that, although we were both becoming increasingly irritated, I just knew if we had the right director and an editorial expert this would look adorable and funny and not at all like I was about to just give up and paint all the walls black.

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We bought our house on November 20. Well, settlement was supposed to be that day, but it was a foreclosure and so there were lots of complications and so on the night of November 20, we went back to the duplex many thousands of dollars lighter but sans keys to our new house, upon which point I poured myself a giant glass of wine and downloaded Adele’s new album, which had incidentally been released that very day. Then I got in the shower to drown my tears in wine and shampoo and heartbreak ballads. Proportionate reaction.

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Then on Sunday we finally got our keys, and then on December 10 we moved all of our stuff in, and then we stayed in a hotel because this is what the house looked like at that point:

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Hello MTV, and welcome to my crib.

         We had to tear up all of the carpets and get the air vents cleaned out, all of our floors were made of plywood, there were dog hairs everywhere, the bathrooms were horrific, the kitchen had no fridge and for some bizarre reason it was 75 degrees in the middle of December so we couldn’t even use the great outdoors to keep our beverages cold. It was not a great start. I could tell you everything we’ve done since then, but suffice it to say that we are still sleeping in the basement – but our air vents are clean, our kitchen is fully functional, and the people come to install our floors on Monday & Tuesday of next week.

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          And we no longer have 1200 square feet of dirty old carpet hanging out in our driveway. Moving on up!

         So now you understand why I needed to paint my bathroom cabinets this weekend instead of ensuring the safety of my vehicle. I just couldn’t stand another day. Now that bathroom is so beautiful (and it isn’t even finished!) that I don’t even want to use it, so I’m showering in there and then doing my hair & makeup in the other, unfinished and thus unattractive bathroom, which has become my staging area. I have to wear shoes in there like I’m in college but it’s worth it to keep my new cabinets pristine.

I may have inhaled too much paint yesterday.

So here’s my plan. I want to write every day, but I’m not going to say that, because that’s just like when you say “I’m going to the gym every day and I’m only going to eat vegetables and I’m never going to let caffeine pass through my lips again” and then after, like, 4 days you’re like “IS BUTTER A CARB?!” and so let’s just say I’ll be writing way more often than once a year and I hope to keep you posted on my home décor DIY-fest and whatever all these celebs have been up to. Oh, and I’ll let you know if I ever get my car fixed.

 

If you want it done right, DIY.

Hello again! I’ve been a bit MIA because I’ve been busy managing the Week(s) from Hell. I started calling it that last Wednesday and by Saturday it progressed to the point where I decided it deserved capital letters.  It also probably deserved a lot more things, but the word I’m looking for I can’t say because there are preschool toys around (aka my mom reads this blog. Hi, Mom!).

I am not going to spend a long time on the negative things that happened in the past 2 weeks. Suffice it to say that I learned some valuable lessons, namely that it’s great to have a husband for many reasons but one of them is that he will fill your tires whenever the light goes on in your car. Also, if you ever feel like you have too much money, just own a car and then wait for the weather to get cold. Then just wait until your tires go flat or your antifreeze leaks or whatever else can happen to a car happens.  Voila!  You’re broke.

 

Short version of my 15 day fiasco: I had a “slow leak” in my tire for about 1.5 weeks and at first I thought it was just the weather but nope, turns out in my own personal version of Mario Kart I ran over a nail and so I had to get a new tire.  FOUR TIRES and almost $500 later, my car felt all bouncy when I was driving but I thought, I don’t know, I guess new tires are bouncy.

Nope.  Then I was having some electrical issues and it kept saying my trunk was open when it wasn’t, and my lights wouldn’t go off. Welp, turned out that actually I had turned the lights on and then just forgot where the “off” switch was, and also that isn’t the “trunk” light, that’s the “light” light. So that one was my fault.  But I was right about the bounciness: the tires were out of alignment. I TOLD everyone that, but they all act like I’m so dramatic and paranoid that I started to  believe it, which is why when I finally was vindicated I called Keenan “the man who doesn’t believe in women’s intuition” for 3 days. See? Not dramatic.

Enough with the car, though. This is literally all I’ve talked about for 2 weeks. Well, that and the fact that my mother was convinced that my tires being out of alignment was somehow a complex assassination plot and that someone was trying in a VERY roundabout way to kill me. For the 7 readers out there who haven’t met me, allow me to clarify that NO, I am not an undercover Russian spy, and I am EXTREMELY likable, so this theory is inexplicable.

 

So other than THAT craziness, it’s been all good, all the time!  I’ve just been DIYing myphoto 1 brains out, and we’re watching How to Get Away With Murder (I give Keenan a creepy look every time I say the title – I think he’s afraid of me), and our Halloween costume was featured AGAIN online, and Kate Middleton’s extreme morning sickness has gone away and she just looks gorge all the time, of course, and Taylor’s new CD came out, and Mindy Kaling & I wore the same shirt one day totally coincidentally, and you know what, who cares that all of my tires almost fell off of my car, life is grand.

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s like one mind.

 

I think it’s pretty clear at this point that my crafty prowess lay dormant and now it’s being unleashed and my fabric swatches & I can’t be stopped.  I mean, I’m not at the point where I’m going to pose with  my glue gun, Charlie’s Angels style (though that’s not a bad idea), I’m definitely ready for my own segment on HGTV.   I don’t think that’s a dramatization.

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They call it Do It Yourself, but really they should call it Do It With Your Husband Hovering Over Your Left Shoulder Making Helpful Suggestions The Entire Time, because, you guessed it, Keenan likes to get involved.  Basically every DIY (aka DIWYHHOYLSMHSTET) project goes like this:

1) Me scouring Pinterest for 72 hours.

2) Keenan looking at me from a sea of doubt.

3) Me spending 3 hours in Michael’s Crafts.

4) Keenan getting belatedly, unreasonably attached to whatever object I’m about to deface.

5) Me, covered in a large amount of spray paint and a small amount of blood.

6) Keenan having “better ideas” than mine.

7) Success. Me: “I just can’t stop talking about these chairs.” Keenan: “I can tell.”

8) Keenan bragging to everyone about our amazing new item.

9) Me murdering Keenan for putting an open container on my brand new kitchen chair seat.

10) Rinse & repeat.

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Me, “pretending” to threaten Keenan with a staple gun. We have fun.

The rest of this post is going to come in the form of a virtual tour of my DIY projects that took place the last two weeks. Just keep in mind that I did 98% of the work, but Keenan came over every once in a while and brushed a speck of dust off of something or held something while I utilized heavy machinery with the greatest of ease, so it’s like he’s Bob Vila, really.  The other day he moved one of the pumpkins on the front step over a bit because he said he had kept kicking it when he walked outside, and then he told me “It looks really good where I put it. The placement really makes it.”  So there’s that.

 

Ok. The kitchen.  Before (well, after I removed the seats, obviously. They weren’t THAT bad):

 

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My next reasonable request is that Keenan find the lid to the trashcan, which he somehow “lost.” Okay.

 

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Can you believe someone (my Dad) gave me access to this thing? I think he fully expected me to lose at least one finger in the process.  Ahem, I’ll be over here, sitting on my PERFECT KITCHEN CHAIRS.

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Pretty cool, huh? I didn’t even know I could do this.

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Just call me Martha.

So obviously I’ve made a few changes, and Keenan’s jerseys, which used to be featured in the living room, have been relegated to his office, and there are flowers, and blankets, and the lamps match, and we are presently awaiting the triumphant delivery of our new sofa (!!!!).  I think it’s coming together quite nicely.

So that’s what’s been happening in my neck of the woods!  Stay tuned to hear about how Keenan & I are probably going to win tonight’s costume contest at Jenny & Dennis’ party, because if you think we can DIY a house, you should see what we do to a Halloween costume.

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Thirty thirty.

Hey, guys! I’M THIRTY!  And I like it so much more than I ever expected that I would.  Turns out I feel like I’m just in a really good place for thirty and also my HUSBAND threw me an amazing surprise party with all of my favorite people in it AND I had an excuse to wear red lipstick and if all of those things don’t make thirty an amazing number, I don’t know what does.

Unfortunately one of my first forays into the world of POP OF COLOR resulted in enthusiastic reapplying even after 2 VERY serious melon martinis and thus, well, WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THESE SCARS?

I find it incredibly shocking that Keenan was able to surprise me, considering I’m a bit controlling Type A ok, fine, controlling and thus basically began saying things like “BOY I can’t wait to celebrate my 30th birthday in a BIG WAY” about one year ago.  My sister kept telling me you aren’t allowed to plan your own surprise party so I just did my best to stop asking questions/demanding answers and lo and behold, he surprised me.

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What did not surprise me was the fact that my cousins absolutely could not keep it together in the presence of an open bar and thus my party rapidly deteriorated from a normal, civilized celebration for an adult into a drunken cousin party being performed in public, complete with games and singing and somehow, the ritual smashing & burning of decorative gourds.

Surprise.

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You know what DID surprise me in the days before and after my birthday?  I’m glad you asked. 37 days before my birthday my hairstylist told me we need to consider using permanent color on the hair framing my face because my grays have now become dye resistant.

You know what is NOT die resistant? MY SOUL.

Also shocking is that we have 3 extremely important audits in a 4 week span at work, and guess who’s in charge of them? If you guessed LITERALLY ANYONE BUT ME, you’re not paying attention.

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This is my peace offering to the therapist, and my pathetic attempt to avoid indulging in said peace offering.

Now, the next thing that happened I was NOT shocked by in the least, because I’ve always known that, deep inside, VERY DEEP, is a Martha Stewart protege just waiting to be unleashed.  I’ve just sensed it.  You know how twins feel pain when the other gets hurt, or a dog can just FEEL when their owner is in danger? That’s kind of what it’s like with me when I get near a glue gun.  We’re just CONNECTED.

So on the Friday before my birthday, I took the day off and because I am a LOVING and DEVOTED WIFE (and because I had SO MUCH STUFF IN MY CAR AND JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT, because I had been buying things for this office for about a week in secret), I chose to spend the day before my birthday completely selflessly revamping the second bedroom, aka my dressing room, aka the place where I plop everything I don’t feel like putting away.

I had the foresight to take before and after photos, because even though I’ve been the worst blog slacker there ever was, I just knew that this would be blog-worthy, and that you would care about it oh so much, because my banalities of my day are jus- zzzzzzzzzz

I know. But bear with me. This office is AWESOME.

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Before (obviously – I would never)

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How Keenan did not notice this, I will never know.

The process wasn’t as challenging as I might have expected but it certainly wasn’t easy and besides almost falling down the steps I had to use a hammer and TWO different kinds of screwdrivers and I just kept wishing someone had been there to see me because I really knew my way around that tool kit (especially the bandaid box).

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I only started bleeding once…

photo 4 (3)…when I jabbed a VERY THICK staple directly into the tip of my finger and then literally could not get it out. I would never survive torture, that is absolutely obvious.  Point-two seconds after the staple DECIMATED my fingertip, I was willing to tell that staple and anyone who could get it off of me anything they wanted to know.  I instantly pictured having to go to the hospital and potentially losing my finger, and then I thought about how guilty Keenan would feel when he learned that I had lost a digit because I was doing a nice thing for him, and then I imagined how sad it would be to only have 9 fingernails to paint, and that’s when I realized that the desk was put together and I only had two parts left over!!

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Oh, and then this screw fell out and I couldn’t get it back in. NBD.

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I really love remodeling. I should totally work for the channel with all the home makeovers! Or Target should pay me to advertise their awesome Threshold furniture. Or, whatever, I should just keep on decorating my own house and surprising Keenan with it because that worked for our front steps and also the entryway and also our bedroom and also the kitchen and also the living room. Basically I only left the bathroom alone.  So it looks like he’s not the only person capable of surprising people, hmmm??

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Keenan on his first day of school.

Aaaand the last surprise. I’m getting so good at suspense, aren’t I? For those of you into foreshadowing, just remember this blog post, because one day when I’m on Jimmy Fallon, after Justin Timberlake, natch, I will reference this post and when it all began.

First of all, obviously we already know that Kate is pregnant again. And yet did you know that I was featured in the Huffington Post article discussing said pregnancy?  Yep, that’s me. Right there with Ronan Farrow and Piers Morgan. And Professor Snape who, as we all know, is the real celebrity in this bunch. I didn’t even know I was competing for a spot on this website (had I known, I would have tweeted 876 comments in 2 hours, a la Bachelor(ette) Mondays) but hey, I’ll take fame wherever I can get it, especially if I get it in an article that you just KNOW Kate read while having high tea. You just know.

And finally, last but not least, it’s the big one. Last year, Keenan & I debated our Halloween costumes for weeks before finally at the VERY LAST MINUTE (or, in DiWilliams lingo, right on time) decided to be Russel the Wilderness Explorer and Mr. Frederickson from the dazzling and devastating Pixar movie Up!  We really felt we did a great job and got quite a few likes on Instagram and then that was that.

This year, Keenan wanted us to just be Sandy & Danny from Grease (predictable) and I was going to give that one to him because last year we did so great. And then, in a twist of fate, this happened.

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FAMOUS!  The internet is SO FUN because anyone, literally anyone, can be famous for any reason, no matter how ridiculous and minute, for one moment in time. And this moment is mine! Ahem, I mean ours. And now we get to pick a better Halloween costume, because look at all we have to live up to now! I win Everybody wins!

Welp, that’s all for today. I have to go research another knockout Halloween couples costume and then go reupholster some chairs and make sure this banana bread isn’t burning.

Celebrities, they’re just like us.

Gone Girl.

You guys! I’m back! I MISSED YOU!!

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I don’t even know where to begin. So much has happened! I got married! Kate Middleton is having another royal baby! I started using eyebrow pencil!

It’s hard to say what has been the most exciting part of this year, but as you can imagine and likely already expect, I am obviously going to use all of these things as an excuse for not blogging for, oh, I don’t know, NINE MONTHS.

Now, I obviously don’t expect an overwhelming amount of understanding about my literary neglect. Poor Kate is suffering from the kind of morning sickness that results in hospitalization and probably graceful lovely fainting spells where she just ever so gently drapes herself onto an exquisitely upholstered chaise lounge, keeping her legs crossed at the ankles and her hair looking bouncy as ever, and yet there are still magazines splashing her face on them with headlines like “SICK, OR JUST LAZY???”

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Honestly. So I don’t expect any better treatment than THAT. I presume my name will be on a marquee this weekend with insults in lights, proclaiming for the world to see: “BLOGGER??? Or someone who just THINKS about blogging a lot?” or something like that. Probably something more eloquent. I’m a little rusty.

I have SO MUCH to talk about that I don’t even know where to begin. I obviously want to talk about my wedding, MY WEDDING!, which was so amazingly perfect and fantastic and also had lots of little disasters that happened throughout the day, which I guess God did so that when I told people about my PERFECT WEDDING I didn’t make them hate me and now I get to sprinkle funny little messy anecdotes about my cake and my flowers as opposed to making everyone sick with all the talk of perfection. THAT was a long sentence. But that’s what talking about my wedding does to me. That’s why we can’t talk about that today.

And I had a honeymoon! And I live with Keenan now! (Obviously, because he’s my husband. My HUSBAND!) And I make dinner a lot! And we watch Game of Thrones! And my EXTREMELY SURPRISE wedding shower was ridiculously amazing! There is just so much to say, and I need to organize my thoughts or you won’t want to read it all. Suffice it to say, I’m back, I’m ready to catch you up on everything, and I know where I’m going to start. EYEBROW PENCIL!

So I started using eyebrow pencil, and I don’t want to be dramatic or anything, but IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. I will get you a before and after shot, if need be, so you can bask in the difference along with me and agree that it has in fact altered everything. As if you needed more proof of the life-changing effects of a good eyebrow pencil, the first time I ever used it was the night of my rehearsal dinner, and then there was a double rainbow IN THE SKY FOR OUR LOVE. Coincidence? I think not.

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This really happened.

The other thing is that I now live with a boy. It’s so funny! I feel like we’re on a TV show and he’s playing the boy character and I’m playing the girl character, and we have to, like, play up those roles every once in a while because otherwise it would just be a show about two people who really enjoy each other’s company and nothing annoying ever happens, and that’s not a show.

So I have to leave 2 thousand bobby pins all over the place and Keenan has to ask questions like “what is this brownish stuff all over the bathroom towels?” (bronzer. Duh. #italianprobs) and I have to tell him to stop squeezing the toothpaste from the center of the tube (actually, I haven’t told him this yet. I’ve just been suffering it in silence. I’m such a good wife! But…hopefully he’s reading this).

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Looking natural is important to me.

So we do that stuff sometimes just to keep it funny for our studio audience but really mostly we just hang out and have a fun time and cook together and watch tv and then once in a while Keenan comes home and I’ve redecorated another portion of the house.

We haven’t bought a house yet so we are living in a duplex and I have taken it upon myself to totally revamp everything except for Keenan’s college basketball jerseys which are still hanging on the wall (baby steps). I had these visions of myself painting different colors of paint swatches on the walls and rearranging all of the furniture 14 times and Keenan and I putting dabs of paint on each other’s noses but it turns out that’s only how you redecorate in movies. In real life I just go to Homegoods and then when Keenan gets home he’s like, “Sure, ok, that can go there” and then we have lunch. It’s not as much of a montage as I was expecting but it’s super fun.

At first it kind of felt like I was being held hostage at a friend’s sleepover party and it was, like, really awesome but also kind of like soooo when do I get to go home? And Keenan was like, uh, never. This is where you live now. But now I’m used to it and all of my stuff is there and I have an ENTIRE BEDROOM that is basically my staging area (aka the place where I hoard all of my clothing that doesn’t fit in my closet, but that does not sound nearly as fancy) and so poor Keenan has one closet and I have an entire closet AND a whole room all to myself, but he seems ok with it. I let him squeeze the toothpaste from wherever he wants to, after all.

So that’s my life right now! I promise I’ll write about what’s been happening since February and all the celebrity stuff we missed talking about and how (SPOILER ALERT) Kate Middleton’s personal secretary wrote me a LETTER FOR MY WEDDING SHOWER because I know you’re dying to hear about all of it. But for now, I leave you with this:

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You didn’t think I’d forget that it’s Mean Girls Day, did you?!

Ice, snow, and no meltdown in sight.

Hello, friends and also people I’ve never met who will hopefully pre-order my book, maybe even before I’ve even written it? No? Ok, moving on.

This has not been the most proud week of my life. Then, in other ways, it has been absolutely one of the most impressive weeks I have ever lived.

For example, it has been snowing for approximately 86 days and all I’ve felt like doing is giving up and hibernating this winter away but instead of just wearing yoga pants to work and eating 17 Cadbury cream eggs in rapid succession like my body wants me to do, instead I have done EXTREMELY adult things like wearing snow boots to work but bringing heels in to change in my office, and wearing accessories even when the metal in the bracelet or necklace makes my skin really cold in the morning.

Those are the good things.

Then, at 4:52PM one day I looked down and realized I was wearing two different pairs of shoes. Am I in a rom com?

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ALSO, today in the office I was nodding emphatically while someone was talking and I was acting like I was researching what they were saying online but really I was looking at bathing suits and I don’t think they ever would have noticed until I exclaimed “Why would Victoria’s Secret be blocked but GAP never is!?” and Brittney blinked and reminded me, “They’re half naked,” which is a good point but also ridiculous because I just wanted to do a little light pre-honeymoon beachwear browsing.

Aaaaand, this is a selfie I took in a meeting because my cousins were all sending our cousin Annette birthday selfies and I was stuck in said meeting, so, well, problem solved.

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Ah, adulthood. Just exactly as scary as everyone said it would be.

However. If i’m being honest (and if this blog has taught you one thing, it at least should have taught you that I am always, at best, painfully honest. Although I sincerely hope it’s taught you more than one thing. I hope it’s taught you about the best celebrity baby names ever chosen, and how to plan a wedding in just 8 small meltdowns, and how to build a beautiful home out of glitter and recycled mason jars, and how to swear to God and yourself and everyone you know that you’d have a novel published by the age of 19 because if SE Hinton can do it, you can too, but then one day you’re 29 and you have a blog and it’s really fun and has a lot of followers and some are even from Italy and Africa and the UK (which you just know is Kate, obv) but again, let’s be honest, no one’s paying you to be funny on the internet) – anyway…I went a bit off the map with that one… let’s start again.

If I’m being honest the last 3 things I googled were “celebrities without makeup,” “Lorde boyfriend,” and “american horror story cast list” so no, I’m absolutely not turning into too much of a grown up, so you can stop panicking now.

it is embarrassing how often I google celebrities without makeup. Well, embarrassing for them. Not for me. I always have makeup on.

Cue anecdote about an email thread about wedding makeup in which I was the one and only person to request and then sign up for airbrush makeup for my friend Amy’s wedding. Basically here’s how the conversation went:

Amy: Who wants makeup?
Me: Ooh, I’ll take airbrush makeup!
6 girls: What is airbrush makeup?
Abby: I learned about airbrush makeup from the Kardashians. None for me, thanks.
Other girls: None for us, thanks. Ha! Those Kardashians!
Me: Not too proud to spray paint my face a healthy shade of tan. Sign me up!

You guys, I know that sounds bad, but have you ever seen pictures of someone who’s had really good airbrush makeup done? They look like pore-less, flawless androids and I find nothing more attractive than a girl who looks like she’s from an Adobe Photoshop ad. The good kind. Not the kind that ends up in an article on Cracked.com.

So! That’s my week in complete and total self absorption, which I just realized is exactly what I sound like. I should clarify that I am absolutely a nice person and some the more positive things I contributed to humanity this week include getting someone into rehab (this was at work, mind you), calling every single client at the outpatient to apologize for the loss of power we had for 3 days, giving a client my banana because he said he hadn’t eaten all day and was waiting for a van to inpatient, let 2 people use my hand sanitizer even though that means 2 people’s hands were very dirty when they touched it, ordered Keenan’s fabulous Valentine’s gift(s), and did all my laundry on Monday.

That last one was for me.

So that’s it! Everyone have a fantastic weekend filled with yet another unwanted snowstorm and prepare yourselves to endure one entire week of hearts and chocolate and love and red sweaters at work.

Jk, chocolate’s awesome.

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Jk again, love’s awesome too:)

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